Sometimes you just have to push through it.

When I decided to set out to California for a year and a half.. it was a fast decision, an instant quick fix for the trauma that I was still overcoming back home. I saw a way out and instantly took it. I thought wow good money, good life experience, playing with kids, living in california with my best friend.. sounds like a plan. I was loving the hype of leaving.. saying all of my goodbyes and having fun things planned.

 My first week out here was scary, exciting, and horrifying all at the same time. I would wake up feeling like this was all a weird dream. Being in a house with strangers in a town I didn't even know existed up until a few weeks ago. It was hard but possible. I had Maddie here to vent to anytime I needed her. We would do things on the weekend and I didn't have to worry about making new friends because I had my longest friend here right by my side. The only place I felt completely comfortable. But then things went from bad to worse with the family she was living with and our usual run by the water turned into a crying fest and finding out that she would be leaving in one short week. I was surprisingly supportive. The thought of being out here all alone scared me, but also made me anxious for her to leave. I needed that push and I needed to be put in more uncomfortable situations. I was okay with her decision and was excited for what was to come. The first week was really hard there had been so much aftermath from Maddie leaving and I was getting caught in the middle of it. My sister had her very first baby and I couldn't be there for her and I was struggling with my decision to stay out here. Luckily, I had my first home visit planned in a few weeks and I stuck it out and just focused on work until then.

When I went home it was so surreal. I loved seeing everyone and after a few days it was like I never left. I enjoyed the time I had with my friends and family. And dreaded the short time until I had to go back. The long drive back was good I got a good head on my shoulders and decided that if I was going to do this.. I was going to do it right. I thought of all the things I needed to do and all of the goals I wanted to accomplish. When I got back I prepared my self for the long week ahead.. not knowing actually how long it was going to be.

It was a weird adjustment. The first time I came out I had to block home out completely because I would just get too homesick. It was too hard to think about. But this time home was still fresh on my mind and I knew what to expect from the future. I have a lot of friends back home and I am so grateful for them. But their are very few who genuinely care. I had been getting calls from friends filling me in on all of the latest things. What they were doing.. things that were happening and it was just all too much for me. There had not been one person that week who asked how I was doing.. how I was feeling and that is fine because everyone is busy with their lives. And no one has any idea of what my life is like out here. I am always a positive person and make my life here sound like a dream.. which it is. But like anything in life, their are hard times, some of the hardest I have experienced. I know that lots of people move away from home and go off to college.. but this is different it is not a constant social scene and it is not a party nor do I  have as many opportunities to meet people. It is just me in a strange town with strange people and I think it is hard for some to understand that.

 As hard as this week was I knew that I made a commitment to be here. And I knew that I was not going home. So I decided to make the very best of this. This is such an amazing opportunity. A whole year to just work on myself. And gain so many life skills and experiences. I started planning out a menu and making dinners each night for the kids.. to improve my culinary skills. I decided to take up piano lessons again.. the Schmidts just got a new piano and I want to be able to play. I started eating healthier and working toward my weight loss goals. And I have been roughing it out going to all my church meetings and activities alone. I know that it is going to be a long hard road and I know at times I will feel like giving up and I know at times I will be so glad I didn't give up. Whichever way I feel, I am going to make this year the best that I possibly can.

I am so very grateful for the gosple and that I have had heavenly father here by my side.  I am so grateful for my mom for always being willing to listen to me talk at anytime day or night. I am so grateful for Emilee who encourages me to keep going, and to fulfill my goals. I am so grateful for Sams random texts that make me laugh and brighten my day. I am so very grateful for the opportunity. To grow and to live with such an amazing family who is so good to me, and is always here to help me with whatever I need. And I am so very grateful to get to spend every day with the two sweetest kids. I am so very grateful to call this my job.