Samantha Brooke

I have a hard time opening up on my blog.. even though I feel like I open up in a different way on my blog than I do in my Journal, because in my journal I just post facts, names, and statements. With my blog I disguise names and events with feelings. Although I am a good journal keeper.. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly on my blog.

 I am a people person. I love pleasing people, throwing little parties, doing random acts of kindness, making people feel special on their birthdays, or make them feel better when they are having a bad day. Sometimes its a little embarrassing.. sending randoms novel texts about how awesome they are.. just because I feel the urge that i need to. But overall there is nothing I love more than to see someone I care about happy. But sometimes it is hard for me when people to reciprocate the same. And being put into a situation where I am not around a whole lot of people who care about me.. I think about those who I care about a lot more often.. and I cherish them even more. I don't think people understand how hard this last five months has been. I am a super positive person so whenever I talk to anyone I talk about how much I love it here. (which I do) but I don't think anyone truly understands... Being so lonely that it physically hurts. To go through your whole phone and realize that there is not a single person on there that can make you feel better. To lay in bed at night with your head phones in and closing your eyes just to feel like you're home. To have the only people you interact with on a daily basis only care about you because you care for their kids.


 I know that friends fade, life gets busy, ect. But it is hard for me to comprehend how you can have such great friends, be close with so many people and a short few months later. They barley even acknowledge you, at a time when you need them the most. It is hard for me to understand how you can go weeks without having a real conversation with your best friend. or how you can go nearly a month without talking to your daughter.

 It is a weird thing to take a step away from your life and realize who genuinely cares about you. It is a hard pill to swallow to feel like you have had no effect on these peoples lives. And that with you gone.. nothing is different. I don't know what I expected. I just assumed that my friends would have more of an interest in my life.. even if its not full of juicy drama or classic jokes. I guess I just thought my family would miss their baby sister or youngest daughter. I guess I just thought that my best friends would care enough to ask me how I am doing.

 I feel like every person I have worked hard for a relationship with in my life has just been erased because I decided to come out here. Which is sad to me.. because I expected more out of those relationships. I know that none of these things are intentional. But lets be honest.. if you really cared.. you would call. Or send a text just to catch up. I can only send so many updates, or Skype invites.

 This situation has made me grow up so fast. and I am starting to realize that I am on a different page than a lot of my friends back home. I have a hard time having sympathy for someone who works 10 hours a week.. and still lives off of their parents.. and then calls me to complain about not having enough money for school. I know everyone has their own problems and own life struggles. And I should be sympathetic. but it is hard when I am working 50 hour weeks just to buy a car or a computer or schooling. When most everyone just gets these things handed to them... and then has the nerve to complain about being tired cause they had to wake up before 10 AM.

 I think I have a lot re-evaluating to do. And it looks like I am coming home to a fresh start. Anyone wanna be my friend starting May 2013? K cool.