Deciding whether to stay or go..

This experience was never meant to be more than an adventure.. a way for me to gain some independence and to challenge my self to grow in ways I didn't think were possible. When I first got here I never thought that I would make it to the end of this journey. The first two weeks here I would wake up forgetting where I was.. everything was so unfamiliar I had never been away from home for over a week, let alone be in a foreign place with absolutely nobody I knew. I hadn't connected with the kids yet I was still trying to figure out the family, the town, everything was new and unfamiliar. Luckily I had one of my childhood besties a few blocks away who could be there whenever I needed her. She helped make the adjustment easier but after one short month she decided that this journey wasn't for her and before I knew it she was gone. The families that we live with were very close friends so her leaving and some of the things leading up to her leaving made the family I live with judge my character and there was a lot of drama and that was really hard on me.. here I was living in a house with strangers, working my hardest trying to prove to these people that I love this job and that I have the capability to be amazing at this job. Then them thinking that I am some sketchy person. I felt like I was trying my hardest and that it was not good enough. Living at my job I felt trapped in my room. I would go walk down to the water to talk on the phone to my mom in fear of them overhearing my conversations. There were days when I felt so lonely that it physically hurt. Nights when I would go into my closet and shut my door so that I could cry without them hearing me. Watching from a far my friends move on with their lives. Social media had become depressing so I deleted my instagram and facebook for the summer. I was so hurt and disappointed when friends that I had thought were my best friends go weeks without talking to me.. some even months without even a question about how my life was out here.. how I was doing. I had tried to keep in contact the best I could by sending texts, letters, and packages to my friends. But unless they were bored and sitting around I rarely talked to any of them. I understood.. life is busy people move on with their lives. I would have done the same thing. Being back home, around all your family and friends it is easy to just forget about the one who isn't right there in the action. But it still hurt. 

 I was sick of being sad all the time. So I started putting forth a lot of effort into really getting into my singles ward. A lot of the people are older than me and not usually the kind of crowd I would hang out with but I was open for anything. I became friends with Sasha we were both nannies in Marin and would ride to church together. I would occasionally do things with her. Going to dinner or on a hike with her would be the highlight of my week! I loved having someone to talk to about the kids and to just get out. pretty soon a few more nannies moved into the ward and things were going great. I wanted to get more involved in the ward and so I had met with the bishop and asked him what I could do to get more involved in the ward, I asked him if I could get a calling and my temple recommend, ect. He was very dismissive and rude. I felt so discouraged and angry toward that ward my desire to get involved slowly dwindled and when Sasha stopped going I had no desire to either. So I had decided to go to the family ward that was close by and I am so glad I did. When Tori moved here in October things got a lot better I had someone to talk to, to do things with like run to target or go to the gym. Things were going so good with my job I was getting closer and closer to the Schmidts they were recognizing my love for the kids and my passion for this job. Me and the kids had bonded over summer vacation and I felt totally comfortable around them. 

 The Holidays were hard. I just wanted to be home with my family celebrating. I tried making the most out of it. Did lots of fun things with the kids and in the city. I had set a goal to not be negative the whole month of November! I was determined to be grateful and positive.. this was an amazing opportunity and I should stop being such a baby. Right before I went home for Christmas break the Schmidts formally asked me to extend for another year. They told me to go home, talk it over with my parents and friends and to think about it. I discussed it with every person imaginable while being home. But didn't really get any answers so I decided to put it on the back burner. They told me I had until April to decide.. so I just started living my life out here as if it was my life, not some punishment or prison sentence.. Which helped a lot.. (no duh) Things were going great I was closer with the kids than ever. I had been doing amazing things with them. Working on their school work. Giving 100% to my job.  The parents were thrilled, more nannies were moving into the neighborhood, all these families kept asking me for referrals. I was picking up extra jobs making really good money and things felt good. Like they were supposed to be. 

 By no surprise April quickly creeped up and I knew it was time to make a decision.. one week I was for sure staying out here. The next.. I was for sure going home. I thought that at this point I would know for sure what to do. That it would be black and white.. no doubt about it. But I had no idea! No one would tell me there true opinion and the ones that would were being selfish in their answer. I had no idea what to do. I fasted and prayed. I was getting no answers. There was no wrong or right decision. I could stay.. I could go. It didn't matter! So literally the day of the talk I was panicking. I had no idea what I was going to do and I knew I had to give them an answer that night. Walking up those stairs to the kitchen I still had no idea what my answer was. But as soon as I got into the Kitchen I had an overwhelming peaceful feeling that I was making the right decision and the talk that I had been so eagerly dreading went so great and I was confident in my decision.

  I needed to go home.. As much as I love that family, those kids, that town, and everything about this area. It was time to put my self first and focus on building my life. 

 I had so many hopes and dreams for this year. That I would make a ton of friends and have the time of my life in one of the coolest cities in the world. I would make memories that last a lifetime and accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish, to make a ton of money and to save it all! I had my hopes high and well while some things didn't turn out quite how I had imagined I think they turned out exactly how I needed them to be. I needed that time to be alone. I needed to get to know myself. I needed to be strong and prove to my self that I can be responsible and trustworthy by sticking it out. I needed to prove to my self that I was capable of finishing something and succeeding in it. If I had everything handed to me on a silver platter, and things turned out exactly how I wanted them to.. I wouldn't have learned nearly as much as I did. And I am so grateful for that. Moving out here was the best decision that I have ever made. I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today if it weren't for these experiences. I am so proud of myself. I did it!

So here I am 7 weeks from going home. That dreaded talk only happened two weeks ago. Which have been the longest two weeks of my life! Now knowing that I am going home I can't stop thinking about all that I am going to do there and all of the things I can't wait to get started.. my new job.. my new school. Making new friends. Catching up with old friends. Applying my new habits to my new life. I do not think I realize how much I am going to miss it here.. I cannot even comprehend the fact that I have to leave these kids.. I have seven weeks to enjoy this place, to see everything I can. To soak up all its beauty and to prepare myself to come home. 

I need your advice..

To all of you who have moved away from home.. whether it was humanitarian, study abroad, college, for fun, personal. whatever reason. What advice to you have for someone who is moving back home. What advice would you give yourself if you could go back and change things? What do I need to expect coming home? I know every ones situations are different but anything would help! Thank you!