Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

I know that we all have things in life that we regret. Whether it is not listening to our intuition in a situation that we just can't get out of our head, saying something that we probably should have kept to our selves, done something to hurt someone we loved, or even done something to hurt ourselves.

 There is nothing worse than going through the pain of something self inflicted, because you have no one to blame but your self. The feeling of regret could possibly be the most irritating feeling ever. But we have to remember that these "mistakes" or these "regrets" are either going to make us or break us, all depending on how we look at them, and acept them.

For so long I hated myself for some of the mistakes I have made in the past. Feeling angry at myself, getting frustrated with all of the excuses I had pinned on why I did the things that I did. At first when everything came crumbling down I was in denial. More like: " Oh welp that happened, its over, and everything is all clear!" It wasn't until I moved out here that all of the emotions hit me. All of the regret, hurt, realization of the severeness of the chaos that I had caused.. how badly I had hurt the people that I love and how badly I had hurt my self. I was mad at myself for being so stupid. For being so oblivious to my future and to everyone involved. I was so selfish and blind to what I thought was making me happy.

Although it had been nearly a year since everything happened. I was re-living it. I was having nightmares about the things I had been through, I was tossing and turning thinking about the awful moments, and the embarassment I was so oblivious to. I couldn't undertand how all of these things were just effecting me. And then I was mad at myself for still even letting this effect me. Time heals everything right? How had it been one whole year and I was still effected by these things?

I tried doing all of the standard healing things. I tried giving it time. I tried everything. And then I finally came to my breaking point. The more I focus on this the less I can focus on the now, the less I can focus on the future.. Whats done is done and the only thing I can change about this situation is how I accpet it. I can either accpet it as a lesson, or a failure.. which one if going to benefit me more? Yes I am ashamed of it. Yes I regret it. But would I take back the things it has taught me? Would I take back the person it has made me or the things it has opened my eyes to.. before things were too late? No. So then I saw these quotes and it put everything in to perspective for me.

I have been focusing more on being present. All we have is right now. We always find it so hard to be happy because we either remember the past better than it was, The present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. I am always focusing on the things I need to fix, things I need to change. Progress is always a good thing. But what I really need to focus on is, enjoying life, enjoying the moment. And doing the progressing on the side.

One of my favorite songs is "Innocent" by Taylor Swift. The lyrics are amazing, and it is such a good perspective on the whole secondchance, forgiveness thing.

"Innocent"

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent,
You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would seen what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent.
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent.
You're still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It's never too late to get it back.

It is never too late. Tomorrow can be a new spetember, the world is always changing. People are moving on, you should do. My favorite line in the whole song is: "Time turns flames to embers." Because it is so true. We need to let time heal our wounds. But not count on time or focus on the time. Focus on healing, and focus on the present. Because eventually those flames will turn to embers, and those embers will turn to ashes. And all we can do is dwell on the wood that is already burned and gone, or build a new fire.